Top Ten Nutty Thinks About Traveling

I flew back to Los Angeles for three days and, as usual, the traveling makes me completely nuts. Here is the top ten list for things that make me crazy. Some of them are things that slightly bother but amuse me and others, make me debate flying:

1. Having to take your shoes off at the security check - It's gross man. I lived in Japan for years and as you know, Japanese people couldn't imagine wearing their shoes in the house. It is nasty, walkin' around outside steppin' on garbage and God knows what and then tracking it back on your living room floor where your kids crawl around. But it works opposite too. Walking around in your socks where people wear shoes is just as gross. I hate taking my shoes off before you go through that metal detector. I'm lookin' around at everybody's stinky, athlete's foot infested, ugly ass toes and have to walk where they walked. I don't care, let Al Qaida try to bring shoe bombs on planes, I still don't want to take my shoes off.

2. People who can't speak even a tiny bit of English - I think travelers should have to take a language test before they travel. I'm not trying to say that everybody in the world should speak English but they should at least be able to say and understand enough to keep me from going crazy. It doesn't even have to be English, but the language of the country they are traveling to. Even me for example, if I had to go to Italy I should be able to say and understand enough to keep me from being a pain in the ass. On the way back from the States, the Korean lady in front of me couldn't understand anything and it makes everything take longer because the flight attendant has to go through the motions every time he wants to feed her. Things I think that you should be required to say to get an airplane ticket; "Orange Juice," "Coffee," "Water," "Chicken," "Beef," and "Excuse Me." And things you should be able to understand; "What would you like to eat?," "What would you like to drink?," "Fasten your seatbelt," "Bring your seatback up." I had to listen to the flight attendant say each of these things about 50 times to the same person.

3. People who talk constantly on airplanes - The only time I don't really mind this is when the person sitting next to me is a young, fine woman. Otherwise give me a break. The lady sitting next to me was from Laos and it had been 30 years since she had flown anywhere. She had a twelve hour flight to Tokyo, before having to fly to Bangkok and then another flight to Laos. I don't know how long it takes to get to her house after that. You would figure that she would try to get a nap but she was talking away the whole time. Granted she was mostly talking to her husband who like her was in his 60s but still it is rough to fall asleep when someone is blabbing away in Laotian next to you.

4. People who don't know how anything works on airplanes - This is about the Laotian lady again. When the "Fasten Seat Belts" light came on and the pilot told everybody that we will be experiencing some turbulence, rather than fastening her seatbelt, she managed to actually unhook the whole seatbelt from her seat. I didn't even know you can do that, but she managed. So she's got the detached seatbelt in her hands, both ends not connected to anything. So it becomes my job to try to figure out how to attach it to her chair again. So she rolls her butt off to the side a little and I have the cushion off her seat and figure out how to hook it back on. There is a clip on the end of the belt that that goes under the seat cushion that you clip on to a steel link looking thing under there.

5. People who play footsie with me on airplanes - Again, if you are a babe, I don't mind, I actually might like it. But, once again the Laotian lady kept puttin' her foot on mine. Considering that she had to take off her shoes at the check point and probably got some of them Athlete's Foot germs on her foot makes the whole thing unbearable.

6. Pissed off Flight Attendants - I know the job sucks and flying sucks too, so the arrangement is a recipe for disaster. Let's just try to get along better.

7. Passports made at Embassies - My stupid passport was made at the American embassy in Tokyo and I guess they don't have the technology to have one of them magnetic strips put in there. This means that checking in is a major pain in the ass. Everyone else swipes their passports while I have to wait in line to show it to a pissed off person behind the counter.

8. People that sit on their asses for 12 hours on an airplane and then wait in line to ride that stupid Jetson's escalator thing at the airport - I know this doesn't really have much to do with me. It is more of an amusement more than anything else. I don't know about you, but my legs are screaming for some exercise after sitting there for what feels like a year, and it just gives me a good crack up to imagine people are too tired to walk. It actually means that I can run up or down the stairs and beat everyone to immigration.

9. People who stand up and try to get their shit out of the overhead bin while the plane is cruising down the runway after landing at a hundred miles an hour - This makes me crazy because they always say as the plane lands; "Please remain seated with your seatbelt on until the plane has come to a complete stop at the gate" and you get the lady who unbuckles herself and tries to get something out of the overhead bin. Then the flight attendant yells at her and she sits back down. I know it doesn't really effect me but some people's stupidity amazes me. I mean would you stand up in a car going a hundred miles an hour on the freeway? I remember one time a man stood up in his chair and the pilot for some reason tapped the brakes and he flew into the seat in front of him. It gave me a laugh but if he had been in the aisle, he would have really learned his lesson.

10. People who wake you up for stupid things - Once again the lady next to me woke me up for everything. Like water for example. You know how the flight attendant carries around a water pitcher to give you a drink if you are thirsty? The lady sitting next to me would wake me up to ask me if I wanted some. Maybe in Laos water is a commodity that can't be refused but I rather sleep than get some free water.

By the way, I'm not making fun of people from Laos, she was actually very nice and unlike the lady in front of me both her and her husband spoke English.

-CJ